ChainedDesyre

Update

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 22:42:32 GMT

So I haven't posted in about a month and thought this would be a good time. Firstly and most importantly, I got into a school, FAU. I would have got into UNF had I applied sooner but eh I'm not that bothered by it. FAU will be fine I'm just concerned about going totally broke living in Boca, oh well. It will be awesome having aunt JoAnn close by too. Now I just need to take care of the bullshit like the financial aid, the housing and the meal plan. I'm not that anxious to be starting school again but whatever. In other news a close friend from high school contacted me one day on my space and we decided to meet. Shes still the same energetic and charismatic girl I remember her as. She told me that in high school she had a crush on me so then I told her about me and she said she said " I hoped not but i kinda knew. As long as you are happy." Those were her exact words; I still have the text saved in my phone. So we've hung out since then and will hopefully hang out a lot more before the end of the summer. Her 21st is coming up and she's having a Luau theme party so that should be fun. In other news I've only mentioned him once or twice in this journal but I have a new friend, Francis! It's just good to talk to someone who knows what it's like to be in my place and its comforting. Krista and I have been busy this week. We went to busch gardens on Thursday and today we went to St. Pete Pride! It was really fun and actually wasn't crazy at all like I built it up to be. I wasn't as self conscious as I normally am despite all the perfect bodies everywhere. I really haven't given a damn about my body for a several months because as Krista says "I'm not trying to impress anybody." But right now I have a stomach and a little too much fat under my chin so I need to start watching what I eat. I'm taking a trip to my godmother's in a few weeks to see my cousin who I haven't seen in several years so that should be awesome. At the same time I'll take a peek at FAU and see what's up.

Sun, 25 May 2008 06:10:54 GMT

Watching a Queer as Folk marathon right now. Funny how I used to hate this show and now I love it. I love the main character Michael and his mom. Although I find it hard to believe that a mother can be that accepting of a gay son. Whatever. I wonder if Krista would be interested in seeing Indiana Jones tomorrow seeing as how I didn't want to do anything tonight. hmm..

Survey Time

Fri, 23 May 2008 04:24:13 GMT

If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?
no because I'm not in a position to be in a relationship right now but i wouldn't mind flirting lol

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes?
I would encourage them to quit

Do you prefer to take showers at night or in the morning?
there more relaxing at night becuase i'm not in a rush

Have you been to Japan?
no

Do you have any expensive jewelry?
my high school ring is 12 karat gold and thats about it

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
krista

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
yes

Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?
well all make small differences in people's lives

Do you remember the name of your first school you ever went to?
New Lane Elementary

Have you ever tattooed anyone's name on yourself?
no

How many peircings do you have?
none

Ever found more than a dollar in a random place?
yes

Has anyone ever been more important to you than a family member?
i have extended family who really never even cared to know me so yes

Last time you laughed really hard? If yes what was so funny?
I laugh a lot but i can't recall the latest thing

Do you know anyone addicted to any type of drugs?
I love my godmother but i think shes an alcoholic sometimes lol

Would you cry if you found out you were pregnant?
no, actually when I was a little kid I was very upset when the told me that boys can't have babies. weird I know.

Do you know anyone by the name of Kevin?
used to

Where is your pet(s) right now?
my little boobah is in my moms room

How many kids do you want?
don't know...

What outfit do you have on at this exact moment?
jeans and blue T

What color are your eyes?
brown

What is the natural color of your hair?
brown

What are you doing tomorrow?
going to publix to see if their gonna rehire me/ do math

Does a heartbreak feel as bad as it sounds?
I've never experienced a heartbreak but i'm sure it is as bad as it sounds

Are you missing someone?
no

What is the closest orange object to you?
my deodorant

Have you eaten popcorn in the past 48 hours?
nope

Have you ever been in handcuffs?
nope

Have you ever been to a strip club?
I've been to an arrest outside one lol

Are you happy?
not as happy as i will be in a few months

Almost Finished

Mon, 12 May 2008 05:38:22 GMT

I am only one class away from my degree and I feel like I should be happier. The last three years have really been an uphill battle and it's finally almost over. It just felt like a neverending story for so long and now that the end is near it feels surreal. I am very positive I will get into one of the two schools I've applied to so that means I will be leaving Brandon in about three months to start a new life somewhere and finally experience college like It's supposed to be. I really don't care which school I get into; just the thought of finally going away to college is awesome. For a while I dreaded the thought but now I'm more comfortable with it. I know it will probably be the greatest time of my life so long as I let it be and not be the shy, insecure person i once was. More than anything I just really look forward to making friends and possibly discovering love. :) I want the next two years to be the greatest time I will ever have and at the same token I want it to be a time where I truly discover myself and figure out what I want out of life because right now I have no clue what I want to do. As far as my life here, there is really nothing for me to hold onto except krista. I know that when I leave I'll be wishing she was leaving with me (wouldn't that be awesome :) ) but unfortunately that can't happen. I don't wanna think about goodbye yet but I know it's going to be hard for me. It'll be okay though. She'll be too busy
finishing school, taking the next step with her bf, and transforming into a beautiful goddess to even notice I'm gone ;) However, it is important that we have as much fun as we can over the next few months because you never know where life will take us.

Anyway, last night I rented "The Brave One" with jodie foster and it was very cool and had the most awesome theme song, "Answer" by Sarah Mclachlan. Ahh freakin' beautiful song!

trying to blow off some steam...the "therapeutic" way ; )

Fri, 09 May 2008 02:00:49 GMT

How late did you stay up last night and why?
around 3 i guess cause im a fucking insomniac and my biological clock is fucked up

What was the first thing you thought when you got up?
fuck.

Who were you with friday night?
a cop probably

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
no

Whens the next time you'll see your best friend?
fuck i hope tomorrow. i need to get out of this hell

What were you doing this morning at 7am?
sleeping my ass off

When were you last really scared?
getting shot at a fucking burglary call

What radio station do you listen to the most?
100.7 or the country station

What was the reason you last cried?
i probably hated life like i do now

What song are you listening to?
none

How many red lights have you ran?
none

What high school did/do/will you attend?
bloomingdale

What were you doing at 11pm last night?
i don't know

Any siblings?
yea

Is there anything that you are craving right now?
to talk to someone but krista's at work, francis is sick, and my aunt has her damn cell off

When did your last hug take place?
i haven't been hugged in a very long time

Do people ever make stupid mistakes when spelling or saying your name?
they mess it up but its not stupid

Do you drink tea?
sure

Have you ever been arrested?
no

Have you rode in someone else's car today?
fuck no.

What kind of job do you have?
NONE

Have you made a mistake this past week?
most likely

Are you happy with your life right now?
I'm happy that i'm on the road to being happy but at this present time no

In the past 72 hours have you been under the influence?

I just drank orange juice and rum becuase my mom is being a cunt and stressing me out after an already difficult week

What do you need to be doing right now?
Nothing thank-you

Where was the last place you went?
the school to return libary books where i also waited 2 hours to talk to an advisor for 5 minutes

Who do you hate?
people who make my life hard. fuck them.

Do you think you'll be married in 10 years?
not legally unless hilary gets in there and does something

Do you know anyone with the same name as you?
no

Last person you had a true conversation with on the phone?
francis

What do you do when you are sad?
treat other people like shit which i know is wrong but its how i deal with it

What's your favorite fruit?
grapes

What's your favorite wine?
none

What's your mood today?
right now im very angry and frustrated

What are you most thankful for?
my health becuase if it wasn't for that i'd put a gun to my head

What's your place to get away?
my brain

How long does it take you to get ready?
depends if i wanna look good or don't give a damn how i look

Do you want children? how many?
Yes but i don't know if i could have the patience

What's one thing you like to do the most?
get lost in my dreams

What's something you have always wanted to do?
fall in love

Do you have unlimited texting?
no

How old will you be in 13 months?
22

What are you looking forward to in the next month?
getting out of this town

Are you easily confused?
no i know what i want it's just a matter of getting there

Last person you said I love you to?
my godmother

What is it you truly want right now?
my mother to fuck off

Are you wearing jeans right now?
shorts

What is the wallpaper on your phone
a sailboat with a rainbow sail

How many 20 dollar bills do you have on you right now?
1

Do you think too much or too little?
i

Do you dance in the car?
no

Do you smile a lot?
yea

Are you for or against abortion?
do what you want it's your body

Do you prefer call or text?
depends on the person

Who is in your house right now?
everyone...

Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
parents from key west

What's the last movie you saw in the theater?
p.s. i love you

Can you go on Myspace from work/school?
school yes

Can you live without the computer?
i could

When was the last time you got flowers?
never

Do you wish at 11:11?
no

Can you play any instruments?
i wish

Do you have a tattoo?
eventually

Are you hiding something from someone?
i'm hiding something from a lot of fucking people

Are there things you can't live without?
no

What was your first thought when you looked in the mirror this morning?
i look like a can of smashed assholes

Do you like to have long hair or short hair?
short

Have you memorized your social security number?
Yes

How many texts did you receive today?
around 3

Who did you last send a text to?
francis

Who/What is the fourth person on your contact list?
i have no clue

What's the longest you've ever talked on the phone?
a few hours

What's your favorite thing to have on your bed?
i wish i could say sex but...

Where were you at 9pm Thursday night?
well right now im doing this to calm down

What happened at 10:00 am today?
i farted in my sleep

Is your family just a bundle of fun?
they suck

Do you laugh at all the wrong times?
no

When did you last smile?
when i last talked to francis

Exhausted

Thu, 08 May 2008 03:36:52 GMT

I haven't felt this shitty in a while. The past 2 weeks have sucked every ounce of energy from my body. I've had to do night shift ride alongs for the past 3 days? in order to finish on time. Just FYI, cops are some of the most boring people ever and spending 10+ hours with them sucks. However, the girl I rode with last night was pretty cool. We went to dennys last night around 2 am for 40 (break) and we had a few laughs. It was hell riding with the guy the previous night. He was 23 and a typical straight douchebag. I swear, I'm starting to hate straight guys more and more and like gay acting guys more and more -and this guy was such a dick. He loves pulling people over for stupid petty shit- fucking dickwad. Between the paper and the internship I feel like I haven't had a single hour for my self in a month. In the past 24 hours I've only gotten 2 hours of sleep- this morning 10:30-12:30. After leaving district II last night I headed over to the com center in Ybor to finish the last 2 hours. So here's how the com center works- It's basically a huge room of individual cubicles (3-4 monitors per cubicle) with dispatchers everywhere. They're on the radio talking to cops and on the phones talking to people calling 911. Its pretty fun listening to people call on the 911 lines but trying to do radio fucking sucks-THAT SHIT IS HARD!! So this morning the supervisor sits me down next to this woman that didn't give a shit (not that I cared) I plugged in my headset and just pretended to watch her. I just basically read my book for two hours, yup. So then I head over to the CJT building and given the program director all my timesheets and evaluations. Then he says "where's your summary"? > "What?" apparently it's not enough that we write a 20 page research paper, but he also wanted a five page summary of the internship. So he gave me till 3 to e-mail him one. I only had time to come up with two pages but in the e-mail I told him that I had picked up the syllabus up in Jan. and no where in in did it mention a summary. He gave me an extension and said I could resend another one tonight but I am so fucking tired all I could manage is 3 1/4. There was just nothing else to add. If he takes it he takes it. If not he's a fucking asshole.

In other news, I have strept throat; probably from a lack of sleep. Francis has been trying to call me for about a week- my phone is still fucked up- God only knows how many times krista's been trying to get me. We need a playdate. I have this goatee that I'm still not quite sure about.. Finally got around to watching some of grey's that i tivoed last week. Are callie and hahn together now? I have no fucking clue whats going on. All I know is I still want kerev's ass :) Uhhmm, what else? Oh yeah I need to pay for summer tuition and figure out how I'm gonna tell the parents I failed math and have to take it over the summer. That should be a ton of fun...stay tuned for lots and lots of rage.

p.s. on the way down the hall from the program director's office I passed my directed research prof. She totally catches me off guard and says how my paper was "one of the better ones and how it was interesting and different"

Hell Yes.

Sun, 04 May 2008 11:07:28 GMT

Almost done with classes. I finally finished the damn paper...now I just need to get the internship done along with civil liability. I have been trying to cram a bunch of hours into one week. Last night I went out with a really cool deputy however i don't think I've ever heard a straight guy use the noun "bitch" so much in reference to men, lmao. Okay, im exhausted; need to sleep now so I can go back out tonight. 35 more hours to go.

Survey Time

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 12:45:16 GMT

What should be the impression given by his overall appearance?
strong, confident, sexy as hell

What would be his ideal hair color be?
brown

What would be his ideal eye color?
any

What race would you prefer?
white

What should his complection be like?
tan?

Around how tall should he be?
preferably 5'10 or above

What body type?
BEEFY

How should he dress?
sporty

What hair length do you prefer?
hmm I like it real short

Do you like hats on men?
baseball caps; fuck yeah

Should he be neat and clean or a greaser?
no greasers for me

Are there any traits you find partiuclarly attractive?
sensitivity, masculinity, humor,

Are there any traits you find particularly unattractive?
casual cursing, sarcasm, earrings

Are there any physical traits I've missed, but you feel should be mentioned
facial hair, muscles

Age and Economic Status- Things everyone thinks about.
I'm attracted to guys as old as 50 but never younger. I really don't give a damn about economic status. Its about love bitch

What age range are you looking for?
21 and up. basically anyone older than me

Does his economic status matter?
no

Personality- The important stuff it takes a while to find out.

What is the single most important personality trait you look for?
sense of humor

What personality trait do you find most unpleasant?
cocky little bitches

What are some areas of interest you would like him to share with you?
Umm definately the simple things in life like music, food, fitness

Is sense of humor important to you? Elaborate.
yes but it isn't everything. There has to be equal parts personality and looks otherwise it won't last for too long

Do you want a man with a protective personality?
I want a man who is protective of his heart but who isn't afraid of letting me into it

What kind of movies would you want to watch with him?
romantic ones

What kind of music would you want to listen to with him?
All

What activities would you like to share with him?
everything

Would you object to a passion for sports?
No I would just feel bad that I couldn't share that passion

Would you get jealous when he goes out with the guys?
If they were straight guys I wouldn't care, but if they were gay i'd just have to trust him. If he can't be faithful he isn't worth my tears. The guy who is worth my tears won't make me cry; its as simple as that.

Should he know what you're feeling without you telling him?
no. that's why communication is key to healthy relationships

Is it important to you that he buy you gifts?
not at all

Is it important to you that he spend a lot of time with you?
well yeah. Who doesn't want to spend a lot of time with their boyfriend?

Is his level of intelligence important?
I.Q. really doesn't impress me. Some of the smartest people are the biggest assholes.

Would you want him to be smarter than you?
no because I don't want to feel inferior

Would you want him to be your provider?
yes but I want to be his also

Would he be aggressive?
yes

Would he be ambitious?
he would need to have goals, yes

Would he be tactful or blunt?
I would say tactful because blunt people don't take into account other people's feelings and I think it's sometimes important to choose your words carefully

Is it important that he have a spirit of adventure?
yes especially when it comes to sex :)

Would you prefer a higly domestic man?
not too domestic. Knitting blankets is going overboard

Life Goals- For when it gets serious.
Do you want children?
i don't know if i could be parent even though i like kids. I'm starting to believe that gay people aren't genetically designed to parent

Do you expect to be a stay-at-home mom?
LMAO

Would you ever want to be a 'housewife'?
who the fuck would want to be a housewife their entire life? Go out and make a career for yourself.

What are your career goals?
I want to be a law enforcement officer

Would it bother you if his career involved a lot of travel or long hours?
I would definately be paranoid that he would cheating. But once again, anyone who can't remain faithful isn't worth keeping

Would you object to him being a workaholic?
probably

If he has a low paying or menial job, are you still interested?
absolutely. If he loves me and gives me everything I need emotionally that's all I need.

Are you looking for marriage?
eventually

In what country would you like to live?
this one

In what state, if U.S.?
I'd like to eventually live somewhere in New England or the northwest.

Would you like to live in the city, country, or suburbs? City

Would you want him to work close to home or commmute? don't care

If you had to pick one or the other: is he a good father or a good husband?
good husband. I could make up for the father part :)

If it came down to you or 'the baby', which would you have him choose?
the baby

If you wish to have children, how many do you wish to have?
2, one to replace each of us

What automobile would you want the two of you to have?
corvette

Conservative or liberal?
moderate

Are politics important to you?
they're bullshit

Beliefs- the REALLY important stuff.

What is your religion?
agnostic

Is it important that he shares your beliefs?
not really

Would you have a relationship with someone from a different belief system?
it would probably be hard no?

What would you do if, after marriage, he changed his belief system?
support him

Does your belief system allow for divorce?
yeah

Does your belief system allow abortion?
thats not an issue

Morning-after pill?
neither is that

Does your belief system demand fidelity?
it sure does

Would you want to be his first?
fuck yeah

If you have different belief systems, which would be taught to any progeny?
I would let them make their own decisions about it

Would you celebrate Christian holidays?
yeah because they aren't even affiliated with the religion anymore

Other holidays?
sure

Would you celebrate with your family or his?
whichever

Finally- stuff that didn't fit anywhere else.

What kind of wedding do you want?
right on the beach

Do you want pets? If so, what kinds?
a dog

Would you want him to be a college graduate?
not necessarily

What sort of background/childhood would you prefer he come from?
a happy one

Is it important that he likes books?
no
Does he like Green Day?
FUCK green day and that stupid song of theirs with the word 'fag'

Being Bitchy, Hating Hate, and Getting Gaydar

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 22:34:22 GMT

Krista made me sad with her latest blog and I was real close to crying. All I can say is I've had frequent "PMS" lately and all the shit that I hate about life now (school) is causing a lot of mental frustration and it's making me a hard to be around. What can I say? It must be my inner woman. However! my inner woman is telling me to get my shit together and not be a bitch to be around because that's not who I am! I'm gonna fix that --> you just wait and see. In other news I have applied to UNF (jacksonville) and FAU (Boca Raton). I'm not gonna waste a bunch of money applying to school because most of the app. deadlines are past (I've had enough shit to remember) and I'm still not too thrilled about starting in the Fall either. My mom is making a big deal about FSU. Fuck FSU! Their tuition is 40% higher than the rest of the public universities. Is the education you get there really that much better? My Ass. I'm not paying for the name! UNF was ranked 5th by the princeton review for overall quality. Plus, I think I might want to live in Jacksonville afterwards.

In regards to religion, Fuck the christian concept of God! People believed in God far longer than christianity came along and so will I. I don't need a book to tell my what's moral and what isn't; I use my heart for that. Nor do I need to listen to them telling me that I'm an 'abomination' <--hate speech. This is exactly why the senate will eventually approve the Hate Crimes Prevention Act. It expands federal protection to sexual orientation, gender, and disability. The church is dreading this because once it's passed it will no longer be culturally acceptable to stigmatise homosexuality. I can't wait until that day! It pisses me off that religious fundamentalists are always trying to say that this country was founded on the ideals of christianity. Why then does the constitution explicitly adhere to THE SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE. The first amendment says there will be no establishment of religion. [ this was all a result of extensive hate crime research ;) ]

I'm beginning to wonder how much of society consists of gay people. It has to be at least 25%. I'm trying very hard to develop my gaydar. The best way to figure it out is to watch how people look at other people. For instance, if a really hot girl walks by I'll look to see if other guys check her out or not. The problem with this is, everyone can appreciate beauty regardless of wheter their sexually attracted. I think that's what a lot of gay men do to pass as straight; it's what I did. Like if I see really huge boobs I have to admit I do look for a little bit hehe. Its always helpful to have krista along becuase she's great bait..LMAO. For a while i thought it might be conditioned, but now I truly belive it's a genetic thing. Some people were designed to reproduce, others not. It's natures way of creating a natual endstop to an ever growing population.

I've recently come to the conclusion that confidence is the sexiest thing in the world however it is still something I'm unfamiliar with :(

Depths of Me

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 10:12:22 GMT

If you could live in any other place, where & why?
San Diego, because it's beautiful

What animal best represents you & why?
giraffe because they're easygoing

What is the craziest thing you ever did?
made a move on an old [straight] friend

If you could meet anyone, who would it be & why?
ellen because shes my role model

If you could go back in time & live in any decade, which would it be & why?
60s because hippies are awesome

If you could have any superpower what would it be?
telepathy

Whos is your ultimate celebrity crush?
Jesse Bradford

What color best represents you?
silver

What would your life's theme song be?
don't stop believing

Who would you cast to play you in a movie?
Brian Greenberg

What celebrity best represents your vision of fashion?
Jeremy Piven

What would your life movie be called?
On the Horizon

What is the greatest music video of all time?
All The Small Things

If you could star in any t.v. show, which one would it be?
Law and Order

What vehicle best represents you?
corvette

If you could bring back 1 famous person from the dead for a day, who & why?
Lucielle Ball cause she was a hoot

If you became president, what would you do first?
legalize gay marriage

If you got one tattoo, what would it be?
something meaningful

If you were on MTV's Made, what would you ask to be?
a model

Who do you think is the hottest athlete?
Andy Roddick

Who do you think is the hottest actor/actress?
Eric Bana

Who do you think is the hottest musician/singer/rapper?
Chris Daughtry

Who do you think is the hottest t.v. reality star?
Ronnie Kroell

What sport best represents you & why?
tennis because it's individual

What is your most missed memory of childhood?
innocence

What is your greatest accomplishment?
my associates

http://www.pimpsurveys.com/view-survey.php?id=6377

Oops...

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 23:04:31 GMT

Let me just preface this entry by saying that spring break has been the last thought in my head since the semester began. Up until 3 weeks ago I was doing fine; I was organized. Then for some bizarre reason I decided it was the right time to come out to my godmother. That coupled with my yearly allergy fiasco and a weeklong visit from my grandparents turned everything upside down. As stated in a previous entry I missed a math exam 2 weeks ago. Therefore i have been studying my ass off for that class. Last wednesday the instructor announced to the class that the test will be on monday. I spent all friday and all saturday studying because i knew we were going to port charlotte on sunday for easter and wouldn't be able to study shit. We got home last night around 10 and i studied for 2 more hours. I got up early today and reviewd a little more. Got to school at one...the parking lots were totally empty. Holy Fucking Shit! Words cannot express how pissed off i was and still am. Apparently spring break came early this year, or at least it did for me. All along I thought spring break was next week because that's when my brother has his (high school). Anyway I have to use this week to get a lot of hours done at HCSO and work on my paper. Now I'm definately going to the bull on wednesday with krista; that is if she hasn't disowned me for missing so many of her calls..sorry.. I am a [hot] mess.

On your mark, get set, GO

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 17:20:54 GMT

This week was filled with ups and downs. I finally turned 21 *woo woo* and me and Krista went to the Bull wednesday. I would have drank more but we didn't have a DD and although I KNOW Krista knows her limit :) I wouldn't want her to feel guilty should something happen while driving my car; so I only had a boring screwdriver. Next time I will drink! Thursday I went to her soccer practice because she needed a ride there, then we went mellow mushroom and back to her place to watch 'Boys Don't Cry'. It made me sad and really pissed off but gave me great motivation for my directed research paper which I decided to do on hate crimes. On the down side of this week I totally missed a math test because I had no idea the test was wednesday and walked right into the room not knowing it; FUCK! This instructor sucks because he moves way too fast and it's not necessary. I need to talk to him monday to figure out if I can still pass the class or need to withdraw by the 13th. The stuff is NOT hard but it moves too quickly for a math idiot like me. I just know that my parents will be pissed if I need to take 1 more class this summer. O.K. time to get started on something...

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 05:58:06 GMT

So last Tuesday I called my godmother and asked her If I could come vist her in Boca for a few days. I said I needed to talk to her about some things and needed to do it in person. I just finally decided I needed to tell her about myself. My mom might be pissed one day when she finds out I told my godmother before her but that's just another thing she'll have to get over. So anyway, the visit went perfectly. I sat down with her the day after I got there and just came out. She told me that she always knew and cried tears of happiness that I trusted her enough to confide in her. After that, we had an hour long conversation where she reassured me that there's absolutely nothing wrong with it and that my family won't be as upset about it as I think and that I should be proud. She basically supports me 100%. I know our relationship will be even better now that there's nothing to hide between us.

In other news, my allergies are beginning, I think. And I'm congested as all hell. Today I woke up with a sore throat because I had to breathe through my mouth all night and felt like shit. I had things to do for school but did absolutely nothing. Just thinking of all the shit I still have to do before the end of the semester makes me sick. I must be fucking retarded to want to continue school in the Fall. I have to admit, I'm doing it more for my parents than for myself; my mom almost cried a few weeks back when I said I said quiting school after this semester. I've been lazy as hell with school lately and it's just because I don't want to do it. there's no other reason. I need to find a job now. Seriously, It's been too long and I need money. I need to go to sleep now so that I can get up tomorrow morning and try to do this math quiz that's due tomorrow...

Rained Out

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 08:34:07 GMT

It's 3:16 am I I fIeel very depressed. I had a screaming match with my mom tonight and it ended with me spending the rest of the night away from her upstairs. It all started just because I missed her phone call today. Because everything with her escalates, she started going off on how I'm being a hermit and how I spend way too much time in the house. I agree I do spend too much time alone but I only have one friend and she works a lot and when she's off I don't want to drag her away from her boyfriend. Lately I've been very hormonal and just plain horny. What can I say? I'm a sexually repressed 21 year old who doesn't have near enough stimulation. I need to get a job because that's the only way I'm going to make friends. I searched for gay support groups/ clubs in Tampa but couldn't find anything. I don't know what I'm going to do. By the way, the winter pride festival was rained out due to fucking rain! It hasn't rained in months but It just had to rain! Maybe just as well, I probably would have felt awkward being there by myself anyway... I'm starting to feel like I need to continue with school after this spring. Not for the school, but for the life I would have there. I've already missed out on so much, and I have an oppurtunity now that will NEVER come again. I need to act or I will regret it for the rest of my life. I'm sending applications to UNF (first choice) FAU, and UF. I don't want to be depressed anymore, but I feel it rolling in, like a massive thunderstorm...

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 06:34:56 GMT

So tomorrow morning I'm going into Tampa to check out the winter pride festival. I really wish Krista could go but she has work and that's more important. It's okay though, I'm really just going to take a peek and see what it's all about. A little nervous though, heh. And then after that I'll head to HCSO.

Served

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 20:43:29 GMT

My Parents got served a summons today at about 8 in the morning. The caretakers my sister has been with for two years filed a suit for child support. This case is getting more and more disgusting as time goes on. Even though I personally don't care if I ever see her again I want our lawyers to win her back for my mom's sake. I don't want all this fighting she's been doing the past two years and all the fucking pointless counseling she did for the court to be in vain. I hate the state for victimizing my mom like this.

Quick Update

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 06:13:13 GMT

This update is going to be real short because its one am and i have to be up at seven. No new job yet; school is making that impossible. There is so much reading with online classes and math is just a pain in the ass as usual. I have to hurry up and decide on a topic for directed research. I want all this shit to end so bad. I need to apply to the sheriff's office sometime soon if I want to get into the academy shortly after graduation. I decided that that's what I'm doing. My dad is supportive of it because he understands I'm burned out. My mother is going to be pissed when she finds out but I don't give a fuck. She thinks that I'm too soft to be a cop which really pisses me off. Yeah I know it's a risky profession but I'm confident I can handle it; I'm not a pussy. By the way, tomorrow I'm going out on another ride along. Hopefully there will be lots of calls. That reminds me, i need to prepare some questions.

I was online a few weeks ago and saw that Tampa is having its annual "Pride in the Park" on february 23rd which I'd really like to go to with Krista. It's a saturday so hopefully she won't have work. Anyways, that's all I got. ~peace

Sick...

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 05:42:35 GMT

So I was excited about going to the meetup today for equality florida just because I thought it would be an opportunity to make some friends. I expected there would be a lot of people-- NO ONE showed up but me and Krista- What the fuck!? needless to say, i was pissed. Maybe next month? This morning the ass-HOLE manager from wetzel's called me and fired me right there on the phone. It's okay though, that job was a total joke. It only bothers me because now I have to find something else. I have a test tomorrow i'm not prepared for. I'm pretty disgusted at myself now. School is getting more and more on my nerves. The more I think about all the bullshit involved in it, the more I want to hold off on the last two years until I'm established later in life. I just can't stand it anymore. I want to stop. last night, dad told me that it wouldn't bother him if I took a break. I think he finally realized that I'm getting tired of it and don't have the drive any more. What can I say? I was never a fan of school and I don't have any motivation left for it.

Every day I think about when and how I'm going to come out. Some days I feel like I could do it, others I'm terrified at the thought of it. How the fuck am I supposed to do this? This is the most difficult thing in life to do and I am not emotionally mature enough to handle it. It's easy to understand why people kill themselves over it. What kind of repercussions will there be? How will my extended family find out? My parents would probably be too embarassed or ashamed to tell them which means I would have to tell them. I had a nightmare about a month ago that my dad found out and was distraught. I'm pretty sure that when I tell them, they will be shocked and probably cry. In my mind's eye I can see the tears coming down my mom's face. And then what? How long will it take them to accept it? Will they ever accept it?
When I do it, it is going to be very quick otherwise I am going to break down and cry and that will make everything 100x worse. I can't tell them both at the same time- their reactions will make each other feel worse. So I am going to tell mom first. I'm going to do it on the best day possible where me and her can be alone together and somewhere away from home. I'm going to sit her down and with as much confidence as possible, say something like this:

" I'm going to say this fast, otherwise It will never happen. Today is a very good day because today I'm going to break down a barrier that has always existed between me and you-- the barrier that has always obstructed me from communicating with you my intimate feelings. I'm gay."

Short, sweet and to the point. That's the way it has to be or I'll breakdown and make it worse. I know myself all too well to make that assertion.

Time for bed. My throat is sore and I need as much brain powers as possible tomorrow.

the new job

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 01:24:55 GMT

So I haven't mentioned the new job yet so I thought I'd throw it in here. I think it will be okay. I work at wetzel's pretzels...yeah it sucks but I'll only be there on weekends. It's not as slack as publix was. There's six different stations inside this little 200 square foot kiosk so there's pretty much always something to do. Today they had me rolling dough and I hated it. It's not as simple as it looks. It started getting busy around three so they yanked my ass out of there b/c I was slow as shit and stuck me on the oven. The manager was a bit of a douchebag at one point and this is why. He says to me that there's always something to do and while things are slow or something's in the oven you should clean pans. So I'm cleaning the pans (knowing exactly how long the shit is in the oven) and he fucking snaps at me to "put the freaking pans down and watch the ovens." What the fuck? Okay dude, I'm sorry but it's only my second day and I'm still learning asswipe. We'll see how this goes...
On another note, yesterday my mom threw a dinner party for my aunts and uncles and after dinner a discussion on religion and marriage came up. Much to my surprise my mom said that things are out dated and the government should recognize same sex marriage. She said "bisexual marriage" but I know she meant gay marriage haha. I didn't add anything to the conversation but I was smiling inside.

A Clip from youtube

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 01:40:39 GMT

Back to the GRIND

Sun, 06 Jan 2008 21:07:21 GMT

So I was just reading over the syllabus for my two online classes and they are going to be simple so long as I do the reading each week. Civil Liability doesn't even have tests/ quizzes mid-term or final; the grade is based on assignments and class discussions. I e-mailed the directed research instructor but she hasn't gotten back to me yet. I don't know wtf is going on there; i'll have to talk to the program director. I'm excited about the internship orientation on wednesday. I hope there won't be any conflicts with the scheduling. Mondays and Wednesdays will be all about math. I'm not taking any chances with it so I'll be going to tutoring frequently. That's all. Everything will be fine so long as I don't slack off. Just a few more months and I'm finished!

Went to Bally's today with krista to start our free 8-week trial. It's just too far away though. The only way I can justify us going is if we go once or twice a week for a class. It felt awkward too because the dude only gave us the 5 cent tour and didn't explain shit. We did however get to see naked people in the shower, lmao. After thinking about it I should have taken a better look around haha. I'm going to go through my fitness magazines and try to find a basic routine so that if we go back I'll know what im doing.

I was browsing the gay dudes on myspace and came across this guy's profile. He actually graduated from bloomigdale 3 yrs before me. Anyway I think he's cute :)

http://www.myspace.com/perpetualjazz

Happy New Year

Tue, 01 Jan 2008 20:40:32 GMT

I've been putting off writing in here because I wanted to first get my resolutions in order. Even though my motivation level isn't incredibly high, I think I can stick to these few so long as I remind myself they will make me happier:

1. Be in bed with the lights out at 12:00. I wanted to make it 11:00 but I thought that was stretching it considering my current bedtime is 2:30 or 3. I CAN do this. It supposedly takes 30 days for something to become a habit so this is very possible. I'm starting tonight.

2. I want to start running once a week. This is nothing compared to what some people do but it all starts with baby steps. When I start getting a regular paycheck again, I want to reactivate my membership at lifestyles. I want to start lifting weights and putting on some muscle.

3. I'm going to be punctual. period. This is a co-requisite of resolution one. Too many people I know are late for everything (except krista) and I when I start this internship, it will be imperative.

4. dedicate more time to studying. This is crucial. This is possible my last couple months of school (at least for a while) and I want to look back and feel like I really worked.

Thats it. Everything above is very workable. I just need to get into a routine. These are not resolutions but I also want to do the following:

- do more cooking and get a few recipes in my head so that when I move out I won't rely on junk food.

- learn how to do laundry

- keep organized

I was thinking about what me and krista could do on a regular basis to help her lose weight and I think the cheapest thing for us to do is start walking/ jogging. Roller blading is fun and aesthetic but just doesn't burn enough calories. I'm thinking that if we went to Flatwoods we could jog the first two miles take a short break and the jog back two miles for a total of 4 miles. I think If she could do this once a week while doing other forms of cardio at home ( jumping rope, aerobics, etc.) she could lose a lot. More on this later.

Bored

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 03:14:04 GMT

Watched 'Loving Annabelle' tonight. It was kind of boring but pretty sad at the end. There was an awesome quote at the end however:

"For one human being to love another that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks; the ultimate, the last test and proof; the work for which all other work is but preparation"

- Rainer Maria Rilke

survey

Wed, 19 Dec 2007 08:14:21 GMT

Where did you begin 2007?
hell if i remember

What was your status by Valentine's Day?
single

Were you in school (anytime this year)?
yup yup

Did you have to go to the hospital?
no

any encounters with police?
yep, got my first ticket

Where did you go on vacation?
New York

What did you purchase that was over 500 dollars?
tuition

Did you know anybody who got married?
my cousin nick

Did you move anywhere?
no

What sporting events did you attend?
saw the yankees play in the bronx

What concerts/shows did you go to?
the rocky horror show

Where do you live now?
valrico, FL

Describe your birthday:
wasn't the worst

What's the one thing you thought you would never do, but did in 2007?
came out to my best friend

What's something you learned about yourself?
I am patient

Any new additions to your family?
no

What was your best month?
october

Who has been your best drinking buddy?
don't drink

Made new friends?
yes

Best new friend?
just krista

Favorite Night out?
cousin's wedding was real fun

Any regrets?
getting fatter and not sticking to exercising

What do you want to change in 2008?
I want to be more active, make more friends, and get to bed earlier

Overall, how would you rate this year?
Okay

What would you change about 2007?
I would have changed a lot but what's the point in thinking about it?

Other than home, where did you spend most of your time?
school

Have any life changes in 2007?
came out for the first time yay!

Change your hairstyle?
not really

Have any car accidents?
No

Buy a new car?
no

Get a new job?
haha still workin on that one

Do you have a New Year's resolution?
build self confidence, meet new people, eat healthy, blah blah blah

Do anything embarrassing?
nothing sticks out

Buy anything new from eBay?
no

What was your favorite purchase?
???

Get arrested?
No

Be honest - did you watch American Idol?
i hate that show

Did you get sick this year?
i don't think so

Start a new hobby?
no

Been snowboarding?
No

Are you happy to see 2007 go?
yes

Drink Starbucks in 2007?
yup

Been naughty or nice?
both?

What are you wishing for in 2008?
lots of things

Quote of the Day

Fri, 14 Dec 2007 03:29:02 GMT

"It's better to want something you don't have than to have something you don't want"